i am not the most mentally healthy person. over the years, i conditioned myself to internalize my thoughts and feelings, and it is now extremely hard for me to accurately put my emotions into words when i need to. i find that i have the ability to reflect on them and write them down after the fact but to appropriately communicate a current state of mind/emotion is beyond difficult for me to do. i over think and shut down before i can get the words out.

this year has been extremely stressful for me, and a lot of change has taken place. the first six months of it, i spent my time constantly thinking that what i felt didn’t matter. it was exhausting, as well as reinforced. the following six months, i felt an enormous amount of guilt. i found myself overwhelmed with this idea that i was a bad person.

i’ve made a horrific amount of mistakes in my life. i’ve done things i’m not proud of. i’ve been too selfish and too selfless. i’ve lacked confidence, i’ve overreacted, i’ve held onto things when i needed to let go. i’ve hated myself; i still do sometimes. i’ve said things i shouldn’t have, but even more so, i didn’t say things that i should have. but, i am accountable for my actions and my words and who i am, and i will never claim otherwise because that would be irresponsible.

i really don’t know where i was going with this. i’ve just been reflecting on myself a lot, on who i am and who i want to be and where i want to go. i’m ready to stop feeling sorry for myself. i’m ready to continue to grow and mature and learn about myself and others. and i’m really ready to better myself.